Reflections

When you look in the mirror do you see the person that you are
Or do you see your soul the force fueled by god that gives that person life
When i look i he a person before me but i also see a shattered soul
Doin it's best to hold that person up and give them the will to fight on

People see my person and see my strength my power my inteligence
But the weakness and struggles in my soul outline all of that making it tainted and ugly
My word convey such poise and conviction when i speak
And my eyes burn with pain and anger

As much as people come to me to seek my "wise counsel"
I have yet to find the same outlet to vent
For all words seem hollow for word can not solve what my issues
For my problems dwell in the world of man which i have not mastered navigating

I am not confused about what i want in life i figured that out eons ago
I know who i am, I come to terms with that as early as i could
I have a goal and i'm trying to do what i have to do to meet it
But i have the hinderence to end all hinderence..........

What makes the world go round????
I say this because i am ashamed to say the word for it makes me feel weak
Weak because it makes me feel human because it is my weakness
It is the key to survival in the time which we live

All the skill and talent will give you a life of wonder and success
But you have to live, not in the physical sense but more in the soul survival
That you have to endure so much in you mind and soul for it to be use to it's full extent
And that aspect of survival is a struggle we all have

So many unforseen things happen sickness, lost of job, rent increase, and the cost of living in general
We try to either work til we get a break or take the easy way out over and over again
But it all seems temparary and futile for there is always hurdle after hurdle adn the rewards are few and far between
I gues this is to make us value what we have naturally and cherish all that we earn

The only question is: Do we need a constant reminder to be greatful?
Are we not mature enough to learn our lesson the first, if not hte second time?
Or are we doomed to keep repeating the cylces of personal hardship and a world where people die everyday trying to survive or make the world better
So many people see the mistake they have made and don't look back and learn enough and complain because we are repeating the same patterns

This started off being about me but then i became possessed with this message
This message that my life has shown me in the form of what i am going through
That we all as individuals, as a species, as a world need to find a way to survive
Because for most of use for what we are meant to do here on the planet and at this time just getting by is not enough!

We need to work we need to strive to be ourselve at our full potential and be comfortable but at the same time learn our limits
I think that is what is happening to me now i am learing that i am not as i see myself being
I am learning that some times you need help becauseall you problems can not be solved alone
I see that i am not as alone as i thought myself to be in this world

Some people pray to hear the words of God, Buddha, Allah, Krishna, or whom ever they worship
Other go to a temple, church, synagogue, or another house of worship to have a religious leader minister to them
Me i write for when i write i channel his words to me to see what i need to see and hear
The challenge to all of us is to listen

Suicidal

Suicide to me is not the taking of your Physical life
It is the point when you give up on your destiny and purpose
And use death as your exit strategy.

I feel suicidal but i don't wish to die
I just feel like i have run out of options to achieve the goal i want at this point
And death will never be an option.

My destiny has been blurred as of lately
And I don't know how to clear my vision
The path before me is a mystery that i can not solve.

No knives to my wrist
No pills down my throat
No rope on my neck
I will not stand on a ledge
But i have commited suicide and need to be brought back to life.

Wanting Calling Reaching Seeing

I need you but you are not here me
I call to you but i hear no answer
I reach for you but there is nothing before me
I see you from a distance but i am blind to your heart

I want you to need me as you did once before
When I call to you please come as the answer
When I reach out meet me half way with you hand
When I see you i want you eyes to catch mine

I need you to share your secrets as I have shared mine
Only calling when I yearn for peace
I want you to reach for the stars with me in the moonlight
Seeing my future with you now hence forth and forever more

I need to be comfortable alone so i can cherish the time that i have with you
I call to good in a prayer every night for tranquility and harmony so i can accept your love
Wanting to be well adjusted adult male who is with another well adjusted adult male
Seeing when i look in the mirror that i have alot of work left before i can achieve my goal

Sleepless

I cry with out tears as i attempt to sleep
But the chance passes me by because i can't stop thinking
All the shoulda coulda wouldas that drive us in our waking hour keep me from finding rest at night
The moon rises and falls the stars have shine and are noe once more dimmed by the city lights
Yet i lie awake having dosed off for a moment that felt like an eternity
Opening my eyes to the same world that i left only hoping that it was new and all that pain and struggle i remember was just a twisted fantasy
To sleep per change to dream
I dream enough but i never get to sleep

Grown Up

Grant me my wish for healing
For this i have prayed but now i mean it
Give me the peace that i cry for at night
The power to rest my head on a pillow and not dream that the nightmare i live is gone
Fill me up with the love for myself that i wear on my sleeve that i can not seem to hold in my heart
But leave a space for the one that will give me part of their as i give them part of mine
Bless me with patience to wait til my time comes so that i will cherish it more that i have anything in my life
For i know once i have done all these thing i will have truly grown up

Progress

I feel sick
Sick of life and all things that are part of it
I am hurt
Hurt by people that shouldn't be able to hurt me but what can i say they are people just like me
I am empty
Empty like a urn with nothing and no one to fill it
I have gone numb
So numb because it is to hard to feel anything
I got lost
Lost in the world because my map did not have enough paths for me to take
I am blind
Blinded my my pride, ambition, principles,virtues, and ideas of how the world should be
I had hope
Hope that i had found my way but there is a bridge before that i do not have the tools at present to cross
I want love
Not love to complete me but a love that will compliment and balance my unbalanced nature
I have dreams
The dream are now blurry and distorted by all the chaos and struggle that surrounds me
I have power
Power that has becaome more of a curse than a blessing that i can not control

I have looked into to myself to see all these thing and i feel like i am evolving as a person but if evolution is a sign of progress, why do i feel like i am two steps behind?

Judgement

Walk in my footsteps
Think my thoughts
See as I See
Then telll me if change is easy

Live my past
Lose who i have lost
Be bless and cursed as i have been
Then tell me if i have the right to be as i am

I am the way i am because i know nothing else
I have survive in the armors i have built around me
I have fought with the weapons I have been give from birth
And i will not allow anyone for any reason to devalue that

My work is personal because it is all that i know
I will defend it with my life and my soul
That is in my blood and it flows through my heart
The things i do are like my children when you question them you question me

Live my life as i have lived
Give up all the things i had had to give
Then tell me
Do either of us have the right to judge the other in life

An Inconsistent Prayer For Consistency

Tame the fire within me
Allow the course of my wind to change
Still the waters of my soul
Make my jungle in me silent as the plains
Bring peace to what is at war
Let my light shine bright as a star
Turn all my sorrow into sunshine
Make all my pains now grow light
Grant me patients with other people
And into me grant them insight
Remove my addiction to order
And replace it with flexibility
Take the sting out of my gaze and voice
In its place put a hum vulnerability
Track the path i have chosen
For if it is the right way
I shall find the things a i seek
Before my final day!

Vows

As we stand eye to eye
They watch us
Waiting with baited breath
For those words to leave our mouth

Our family and friends have assembled
Giving ,hopefully, their blessing to our union
Feeling the love we have for each other
And the witnessing the bound that we have forged

As our rings shine with the light of the sun from the window
Our cake sits off to the side topped with our sugary likeness
Bold flowers addorn the hall with a scent as sweet as your lips
Our hands clinch in anticepation to begin our life together

As I say these vows, tear well up in my eyes
Because i know i have arrived to the place that i need to be
With you soon to be my husband before the eyes of god
And i am ready to spend my life you and only you

Dense

When you speak my blood turns to lava
Your words are too simple for my complex mind
I don't understand the childlike essence of your word
It stings my ears to hear you ramble eternally about nothing as though it is the most important thing in the world

Do you take anything seriously?
Is the ever a point when your world is not roses sunshine and chill
Why do you care so much about all thing that mean nothing to you as though they are you the first last and only?
Why do our see my age as something to celebrate as though we are children with less than a care in the world?

You know too little about me to judge me and far to much to NOT UNDERSTAND my temperment
So do you thing constantly asking the same question will receive a different answer or change my mood
Or do you just like the sound of yourr own voice?

Destiny

I am suffocated my the silence in my mind
Frozen by the frost around my heart
Looking for someone to unlock the door that hides my emotions

He will have eyes that shine like stars
With his arms he will carry me into paradise
with his hands he will clean all the stains from the past from my soul

The first kiss we have will lift the curse of defense to avoid being hurt
The first night you laid with me I saw the sunrise as though it was the first time
Time stands still when you are with me

Your voice soothes my soul and puts my spirit to rest
Your scent intoxicates me
You Are my Destiny!

Surrender

Take Me
Restrain me
I'm yours
I Surrender

Hold me
Touch Me
LoveMe
I Surrender

Break me down
Rebuild My Soul
Heal Me
I Surrender

To You
My Heart Mind and Spirit
And Only To You
I Surrender

A Challenge to All Others
A Battle to the End
But To You
I Surrender!

Feral Heat

A smoltering summer breeze fills the street
The humidity makes your clothes stick to your skin
You see the bare flesh exposed by others and it enrages you
Not out of Anger But Lust
Your eyes burn like the glare a puma gives a wounded fawn in the forest
Your heart beats with the speed of a cheetah in the savannah
You body changes
The hot sweat turns to a chill the fills your entire being
You need to feed this hunger before it comsumes you
You start you move like a panther through the trees
Slow Sensual Calculated Aggressive
You wonder what is this in you causing these longing
Look in the mirror into your eyes and further in you soul
It is an ancient feeling hidden behind your humanity
It is feral heat

Realization

I realized today that i have this problem
But I could never figure out why:
Why do i loath straight men who boast about some gilr they picked up walking don the street?
Why do i feel so much hate towards couples walking down the street?
Why do i feel so much malice towards guys are being "taken care of"?
Why does it sicken me to be around happy seemingly well adjusted people?

BECAUSE I'M JEALOUS!!!!!

The straight men....i mean boys because real men don't need to boast of their conquest........because i am more likely to have my life in danger if i walk up to the wrong guy and say hello on the street!

The couples because due to the laws of where we live and just the mind set of alot of people in general, i should be in a relationship with a man there is no value in me having a reltionship with a man it will not last if is have a relationship with a man because we are thought to be to "free" and even if it does last there is no protect in all of the 50 state for my long term relationship with a man!

Guys that are being taken care of......well i will just say this if you do it a few times in a tough spot fine but don't make a lifestyle of it and lie about what you do! If you a man enough to do it be man enough to fess up it so that people that take pride in getting up and going to work (not "work") everyday can have some kind of respect for you!

And those happy seemily well adjusted people........simplly put i'm not happy and you can't make me happy so i'd rather not be bothered!

Along with all of these there are many more far below the surface that need to come out but all i due time.

An Angel's Resignation From Grace

Trust is lost
Evil done for the righteous is evil none the less
I am now a man an angel with out wings
Helpless to help myself or anyone else for that matter
My gifts are curses that I can't control or break
Take them away leave me as a mortal so I can be like everybody else
I don't want to see the whole world just mine
Why do I need the knowledge of ages
Can't I live in the ignorance of my nieghbor?
The feeling of all weigh to heavy on me
I can bearly handle my own which carry the load of seven suns
Healing others when my own wounds won't close
Who is there to be my doctor my nursemade?
The loves I had could never be spoken
But I shout to save the love of others!
Make me like my brother
To live life in years not hours
Take the century from my soul an let me begin again
Thousands of life times are to much to hold and I want it to end
Give me a new place in destiny's line
For being the Angel of Mercy & Pain are to much at one time!

Trust & Try

You sell you soul and what do you gain
You drown your sorrow and hide your pain
You lie to my face because you have fear
But not of me but the truth you hear
What you bury won't stay gone
The front you pass won't hold strong

I will retrieve your soul and end the game
I will help you deal with the sorrow and face the pain
I will tell you the truth and you will swallow your fear
For what your spirit cries out you need to hear
I shall free what is buried in your present and your past
I will remove the front so that you yourself will last

We shall journey together
Learn of the other
Confront our demons and cast them out
We shall find peace
No matter where it lies
But the first thing wee need to do is trust each other and try

A Lovers Vow

You are what i wanted my father to be
When I grow up and look at my self in the mirror a man like you is what I want to see
When I finally get married i want to wake up with you next to me
As my children grows up you should be the other man they call daddy
On our anniversary you will make sure my tux fits me to a tee
If I get so sick I can't support I want you to be the one that sets me free
As they body to rest it should be you as my family mourning for me
And when the time comes to be together again I will be there just wait and see!

Closely Far

Out of my reach but within my grasp
I can watch you but i can't see you
You hurt me but i can't feel you
You stay on my tongue but i don't know your flavor
We sleep together but you don't sleep with me
Your breath fills my lungs but you are sufficating me
Your fire warms my heart but burns me soul
So closely we are connected yet far we stand!

The Truth

I hold no secrets
Here a the keys to my past
Opened my heart to many time
i hope you are the last
My tear are like flood water yearning to be free
and my mind like a dam holding them inside of me
Look in to my soul feel the fire burn
When you are near me for your coolong touch i yearn
You are my journal ,my love, my proof
that at the end of this journey all i will have is you and the truth

What do you See?

What do you see when you look at me?
The fiery eyes that can burn a soul
or
a frightened child lost in the cold;
An exotic man who draws you to bliss
or
a hideous beast that you wish didn't exist;
Do i scared you with the poison tipped dagger i have for a tongue
or
Am i too ugly or look too young;
Does my sarcasm push you away when you want to come in
or
Am i not your type and you just want to be "friends"?
One last question before i go, will you ever approach me and explain yourself or will your feeling be something i will never know?

Explain

What do you see when you look at me?
The fiery eyes that can burn a soul
or
a frightened child lost in the cold;
An exotic man who draws you to bliss
or
a hideous beast that you wish didn't exist;
Do i scared you with the poison tipped dagger i have for a tongue
or
Am i too ugly or look too young;
Does my sarcasm push you away when you want to come in
or
Am i not your type and you just want to be "friends"?
One last question before i go, will you ever approach me and explain yourself or will your feeling be something i will never know?

Restoration

Sorrow fill my words, Throughout my writing it is heard
Silence me
My eyes burn with loniness and pain, From too many childish games
Extingush me
My heart is torn, suffer has made it's edges worn
Mend me
Soule of a man tarnish by lies, Each day a part of me dies
Revive me
A spirit crushed by circumstance, Waiting in vain for a second chance
Rebuild me
I can not cry or weep, The tears will not fall
Restore me, but first help me tear down these walls

Last Call

If I was to die tonight;
What would you say?
If you never saw me again;
Would you feel some kind of way?
The time we spent seems so lost and empty
When you're around I can't truly be me
Now it has come to an end
Do or Die
I won't cry
Gonna lay it on the line
If love is a crime
I don't mind because you have my heart
You make me whole
You are my shelter from the cold
Stories are done
The time has come
Yes or No
Stay or go
I have tried so hard to hide the pain
No more playing this little game

If I was to die tonight;
What would you say?
If you never saw me again;
Would you feel some kind of way?
The time we spent seems so lost and empty
When you're around I can't truly be me
Trying to read your thoughts
Wanting what it is you keep from me
Once was blind but now I see
I Am the writer of my destiny
I played the fool for far to long
That is why I write this song
Praying right now for inner peace
Grant me loves sweet release
If not from you the from some other one
Same result when all is said and done
But I turn to you strong and proud
And say: Answer this question now
If I was to die tonight;
What would you say?
If you never saw me again;
Would you feel some kind of way?

The grip of my humanity

Where are you?
I need you
I miss you
I feel bad
Because he reminds me of you
Which makes me sad
Because i don't want to replace you
Then I get mad
Because i can't have either of you any way
Which makes me glad that i have a job that takes me mind off of
Being in
Falling in
Submitting to
LOVE
But then that adds to my depression and it builds up and shows
When there is no work left or people to hide behind
I feel a tad more human because it shows that i had a heart all along

Late Night Feast

Dim The Lights
SHHHHH
Pour The Wine
AHH
Light The Candles
CLICK!
Play The Music
Hum
EXHALE
The time has come to make your mark
The sun is setting it grows dark.
He's on his way to bring a feast
That will have in it a sweet release
...................For you!
Everything you ever had to say will come out
The door bell rings and you open it wide
The delivery guys Says "here is you chicken and 10 sides"
You tip him well and say good night
You close the door and enjoy you feast for one by the moon light