Realization

I realized today that i have this problem
But I could never figure out why:
Why do i loath straight men who boast about some gilr they picked up walking don the street?
Why do i feel so much hate towards couples walking down the street?
Why do i feel so much malice towards guys are being "taken care of"?
Why does it sicken me to be around happy seemingly well adjusted people?

BECAUSE I'M JEALOUS!!!!!

The straight men....i mean boys because real men don't need to boast of their conquest........because i am more likely to have my life in danger if i walk up to the wrong guy and say hello on the street!

The couples because due to the laws of where we live and just the mind set of alot of people in general, i should be in a relationship with a man there is no value in me having a reltionship with a man it will not last if is have a relationship with a man because we are thought to be to "free" and even if it does last there is no protect in all of the 50 state for my long term relationship with a man!

Guys that are being taken care of......well i will just say this if you do it a few times in a tough spot fine but don't make a lifestyle of it and lie about what you do! If you a man enough to do it be man enough to fess up it so that people that take pride in getting up and going to work (not "work") everyday can have some kind of respect for you!

And those happy seemily well adjusted people........simplly put i'm not happy and you can't make me happy so i'd rather not be bothered!

Along with all of these there are many more far below the surface that need to come out but all i due time.

An Angel's Resignation From Grace

Trust is lost
Evil done for the righteous is evil none the less
I am now a man an angel with out wings
Helpless to help myself or anyone else for that matter
My gifts are curses that I can't control or break
Take them away leave me as a mortal so I can be like everybody else
I don't want to see the whole world just mine
Why do I need the knowledge of ages
Can't I live in the ignorance of my nieghbor?
The feeling of all weigh to heavy on me
I can bearly handle my own which carry the load of seven suns
Healing others when my own wounds won't close
Who is there to be my doctor my nursemade?
The loves I had could never be spoken
But I shout to save the love of others!
Make me like my brother
To live life in years not hours
Take the century from my soul an let me begin again
Thousands of life times are to much to hold and I want it to end
Give me a new place in destiny's line
For being the Angel of Mercy & Pain are to much at one time!

Trust & Try

You sell you soul and what do you gain
You drown your sorrow and hide your pain
You lie to my face because you have fear
But not of me but the truth you hear
What you bury won't stay gone
The front you pass won't hold strong

I will retrieve your soul and end the game
I will help you deal with the sorrow and face the pain
I will tell you the truth and you will swallow your fear
For what your spirit cries out you need to hear
I shall free what is buried in your present and your past
I will remove the front so that you yourself will last

We shall journey together
Learn of the other
Confront our demons and cast them out
We shall find peace
No matter where it lies
But the first thing wee need to do is trust each other and try

A Lovers Vow

You are what i wanted my father to be
When I grow up and look at my self in the mirror a man like you is what I want to see
When I finally get married i want to wake up with you next to me
As my children grows up you should be the other man they call daddy
On our anniversary you will make sure my tux fits me to a tee
If I get so sick I can't support I want you to be the one that sets me free
As they body to rest it should be you as my family mourning for me
And when the time comes to be together again I will be there just wait and see!

Closely Far

Out of my reach but within my grasp
I can watch you but i can't see you
You hurt me but i can't feel you
You stay on my tongue but i don't know your flavor
We sleep together but you don't sleep with me
Your breath fills my lungs but you are sufficating me
Your fire warms my heart but burns me soul
So closely we are connected yet far we stand!

The Truth

I hold no secrets
Here a the keys to my past
Opened my heart to many time
i hope you are the last
My tear are like flood water yearning to be free
and my mind like a dam holding them inside of me
Look in to my soul feel the fire burn
When you are near me for your coolong touch i yearn
You are my journal ,my love, my proof
that at the end of this journey all i will have is you and the truth

What do you See?

What do you see when you look at me?
The fiery eyes that can burn a soul
or
a frightened child lost in the cold;
An exotic man who draws you to bliss
or
a hideous beast that you wish didn't exist;
Do i scared you with the poison tipped dagger i have for a tongue
or
Am i too ugly or look too young;
Does my sarcasm push you away when you want to come in
or
Am i not your type and you just want to be "friends"?
One last question before i go, will you ever approach me and explain yourself or will your feeling be something i will never know?

Explain

What do you see when you look at me?
The fiery eyes that can burn a soul
or
a frightened child lost in the cold;
An exotic man who draws you to bliss
or
a hideous beast that you wish didn't exist;
Do i scared you with the poison tipped dagger i have for a tongue
or
Am i too ugly or look too young;
Does my sarcasm push you away when you want to come in
or
Am i not your type and you just want to be "friends"?
One last question before i go, will you ever approach me and explain yourself or will your feeling be something i will never know?

Restoration

Sorrow fill my words, Throughout my writing it is heard
Silence me
My eyes burn with loniness and pain, From too many childish games
Extingush me
My heart is torn, suffer has made it's edges worn
Mend me
Soule of a man tarnish by lies, Each day a part of me dies
Revive me
A spirit crushed by circumstance, Waiting in vain for a second chance
Rebuild me
I can not cry or weep, The tears will not fall
Restore me, but first help me tear down these walls

Last Call

If I was to die tonight;
What would you say?
If you never saw me again;
Would you feel some kind of way?
The time we spent seems so lost and empty
When you're around I can't truly be me
Now it has come to an end
Do or Die
I won't cry
Gonna lay it on the line
If love is a crime
I don't mind because you have my heart
You make me whole
You are my shelter from the cold
Stories are done
The time has come
Yes or No
Stay or go
I have tried so hard to hide the pain
No more playing this little game

If I was to die tonight;
What would you say?
If you never saw me again;
Would you feel some kind of way?
The time we spent seems so lost and empty
When you're around I can't truly be me
Trying to read your thoughts
Wanting what it is you keep from me
Once was blind but now I see
I Am the writer of my destiny
I played the fool for far to long
That is why I write this song
Praying right now for inner peace
Grant me loves sweet release
If not from you the from some other one
Same result when all is said and done
But I turn to you strong and proud
And say: Answer this question now
If I was to die tonight;
What would you say?
If you never saw me again;
Would you feel some kind of way?

The grip of my humanity

Where are you?
I need you
I miss you
I feel bad
Because he reminds me of you
Which makes me sad
Because i don't want to replace you
Then I get mad
Because i can't have either of you any way
Which makes me glad that i have a job that takes me mind off of
Being in
Falling in
Submitting to
LOVE
But then that adds to my depression and it builds up and shows
When there is no work left or people to hide behind
I feel a tad more human because it shows that i had a heart all along

Late Night Feast

Dim The Lights
SHHHHH
Pour The Wine
AHH
Light The Candles
CLICK!
Play The Music
Hum
EXHALE
The time has come to make your mark
The sun is setting it grows dark.
He's on his way to bring a feast
That will have in it a sweet release
...................For you!
Everything you ever had to say will come out
The door bell rings and you open it wide
The delivery guys Says "here is you chicken and 10 sides"
You tip him well and say good night
You close the door and enjoy you feast for one by the moon light