Exhaustion of Effort

There is a void in my heart where I wanted Love to be
Connected to it is a hole where I thought I had a friend
I allow someone to make these places in my life and was sadly disappointed

Why is it so hard to be honest when you have been offered nothing but the true
If you are worried about hurting my feelings, don't worry your silent indifference has left them in traction

Respect is paramount in all my friendships, whether they lead to something romantic or not.
I see by your actions that you are afraid to climb that mountain.

I with you my secrets because I thought we share something beyond a few moments in time.
So in retrospect, may be selfishness should have been the route I took at least then we would have something directly in common.

You even got warning of this happen and you still management to make it here.
For someone so observant, how could not see this coming

It you wanted to push me away congratulations mission accomplished!
We are oceans of confusion and unanswered questions apart

I know you will probably never read this and if you do you probably won't understand
I hope you realize that we can not be friend or anything else because all relationships are a two way street and I am tired of doing all the work
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I apologize for my love!

I need to apologize!
I am putting a weigh on you that you do not need to bear
Your life is complex enough without the pressure of my happily ever after, independent gay film fantasies
I want to be love by another man as much as I love myself
But I can not force your hand or rush you to be ready before your time
I was a video that melted my heart because I wanted it to be me and you someday
But that is not our reality, we are not actors playing a perfectly scripted planned story.
If you do read this I hope it does not scare you away, because I am scared of being alone and you have shown me glimpses off what tomorrow may bring if tomorrow ever come because I truly do love you.
I did not write a poem because I wanted to be clear as day and truly say I'm sorry.
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Selfish Desire

I wish he could hold me because now I have fear in my heart
He can not take it away, but his voice would numb the feeling
I am crying on the inside and he can reach my soul to try the tear
I want to be selfish and take him away so be alone so I can just feel him close to me
He is a man of responsibility and integrity and can not neglect him duties
I respect him for it and pray that one day I become one of the charges in his care
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Closer to you

I just want to be close to you:

Closer to your mind so I can put your worries to rest

Closer to you soul so I can know its depths

Closer to your heart so you can feel my love

Closer to you fear so I can help you cast them aside

Closer to you pain so I can sooth it away

Closer to your body so our heartbeat can sound as one

And hopefully the closer I get to you the more of the worlds wrongs will come undone
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The Pain of Patience

I have learn patience
I realize it takes time to get the answers to the questions I seek

I will wait as long as you tell me to
All I ask is that you tell me what is am truly holding on for

Either give me true hope or kill my pipe dream fairy tale fantasy
Love can only restrain me for so long before I break

I am guarding much of what I want to offer you
Because the line between us is too thick for me to cross as of yet

I know I seem like a pain watching the clock for the right time
But the watching and waiting is doing more harm that rejection ever would
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My Fractured Fairytale

I want him near me
But he appears to be bound by forces seen and unseen

The story it like the movies, almost to perfect
Is this an intricate act meant to trap me in a game that I was not aware I was playing

Or shall this be my happily ever after
With my prince, soon to be king
Trumpets play and as we walk down the isle birds sing

The magic mirror is grey and clouded with questions and issue
Secrets unspoken could be the poison apple to my happy ending
And they are held respectively on both side

I am ready to climb the bean stalk and face giants, demon, witches, and all for the one I love
Hopefully he will read my bed time story and feel something and be willing to do the same
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Coded message

I can't yet have silk
So for now I have the comfort of satin
A lost boy looking to be exorcised of the demon call loneliness

Cryptic verses speak what can be said aloud
For the word hold the power to strengthen or destroy what is already present

Read this and know what is on my heart and what I feel
See through the poetic shroud and peer into my soul

The secrets I hold are yours to know
So long as what you hold dear you are willing to share in return
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Offering To The One I Love

I offer you strength
To replace your fear
I will give you love unconditionally
To help you give up your pain
I bring trust
To cast out all doubt
I radiate light
To guide you through the darkness

I want no payment, no reward
Save you giving a catch you be there for you and you for me
We both have struggles to endure and I offer you all I have
All I ask is you be honest with me and yourself
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Wanting

I want to say but I can not
I want you to know but I'm scared
I want you to feel but I don't want the emotion to be fake
I want to open up to you but I don't want to be hurt (again)
I want to give you the world but I don't want to be left with nothing
I want to protect you from all pain and sadness, but I need a protector of my own
I want to cry before you, but I don't want my tears to be in vain
I want to have you in me, but I don't want to be just another conquest

With all these thing I want, most of all I want to love you, but I am so scared of you not loving me back that I would almost prefer to stay cold and alone
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NEW DAY.....FULL SPEED

Excuse my ignoranceI apologise for requiring some semblances of order
Pardon my gall
I am truly sorry for asking that you be on time
Forgive my audacity
I regret that I set my standards too high for everyone as I do myself

BUT WAIT.........

Is it not funny that we are taught to "strive for the best and brightest" and "reach for the stars"?
Then when others fail or disappoint us, we are force to accomedate dissappointment and mediocrity!
Why the hell should you get a pass because you're not me?
I work my ass off to do my best and I will no longer except nothing less from those around me
I push myself to the dire limit!
Why? It is not to have my name in lights or recieve acclaim.
It is because I (and everyone else in this world) was put on earth to achieve greatness!
We will no all be president of the United States or find the cures for cancer or AIDS.
But you may change or positvely influence the life of those who willl
And it can and will not be done by half assing and coasting along on the bare minimum!
It will not be done my undermining and hindering those who are trying, doing, and achieving great thing
It will not be done from your couch with your "Why me"s and "Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda"s

Today is a new day!
When you start out to what ever you will do, Do it at a full speed (with the nitrous going) and stop moving just fast enough to pass th damn speed bump!

Exposure

Expose me for who am
See beyond the fog and mist
Expose my flaws
But able to accept and love them
Expose my heart
But be able to protect it from harm
Expose my mind
But be able to stimulate and challenge it at the sames time
Expose my soul
But be bound to and strengthen it in the process
Expose my body
But honour it as a gift to a grateful recipient
Expose my tear
But dry them with assurance and support
Expose my wrath
But be able to soothe it with honesty and commitment
With all of me exposed before you, don't ever forget to RESPECT my gangsta!
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Answer the Calling

At night I can't sleep
There is something reach out from inside me
Clawing at the walls of my being
It will not rest until it is unleashed!

Do you have the key to the gate?
To release this beast take refuses to cease and desist with the torment of my soul

Or

Are you just another visitor that can not read the sign that clearly says "Don't Feed The Animals"?

Will you be the one that make the prisoners appeal a reality?

Or

Are you just taking this on to add to your "resume" until you make "partner" with the "firm" you want?

Will you unearth the treasure that dwells in my darkness, bring it to light for the word to see?

Or

When you find it, will you shroud it in secrets and lies, "protecting" it from the world because it is too "precious" to share?

This is my heart that burdens me! Craving love and joy and acceptance for who and what I am. It is filled with all of that from family and friends, but third is a third party missing.

My lover, my beau, my man
By so many names he is called but when will he answer?
When will this jewel I hold be unearthed? Instead of just the flecks and fragments chipped off by imposters and charlatans!
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Grim Beauty

Beneath all my colourful personality
There is a dark, gothic romantic with in me
Not just vampiric kisses in moonlight
But the ability to see beauty in a grim perspective

There is a somber beauty in what remains of the old pier
A silent tribute to the queens lost to disease and struggle

There a solace filled grace in the flowers and candle left where someone was shoot down
It shows us a gateway where a new angel has ascended to heaven

There lies a chilling peace when you see a young girl's tears as she gives up her child
For in that moment, there is a hope for a good family that me raise the next light of the world

There is a peaceful clarity as he wait for the those result written through is blood
Because knowledge may save the life of the on to find the cure; If not his then that of another

The slivers of tragedy, glimmer of humanity are not the billboard beauty we usually respond to
They are moments is in life when we are shown how precious life truly is
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The Real Standard of Family

Family is more the what is created by X & Y
Blood may thicker than water but it dissolves like air
You think an unseen connect through genealogy entitles to something
Thing again, you lost those rights when you stop coming around
You think because you planted the seed that grew into who I have become I owe you
Think again, you forfeited that power in the bottom of that bottle
You think at a force bond that has lasted all my life makes you immune to my wrath
Think again, you will be the first to be cut off because you have no respect
My family is who I choose based on trust, loyalty, love, and integrity.
Before yourself part of my family, reread the line before this and you may need to rethink your answer!
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Missing person

If you love me
Show it in you action
Words are an empty vessel
They only pacified me

If you love me
Be there in the morning
Beside me at dawn
Bound to my soul

If you love me
Only offer me the truth
Grant me the keys to your soul
Hide nothing from me

If you love me
Don't be ashamed of me
Take me as I am
And I will do the same

If you love me
When read this you will find me
Come into my presence
And allow me my one dream

If you love me
Where are you?
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A Painful Reminder

He reminds me so much of him
So strong, so sweet, so accepting of all possibilities except the one I have to offer
His voice calms the fire in my burning heart
His touch stirs the ocean of my dreams and desires
He reminds me so much of him
He shows honour amongst the thieves that have stolen my heart
Though he is not aware of his offence
A guilty innocence surrounds his very being
He reminds me so much of him
Sitting in his presents silently screaming on the inside
Longing for my affections to not me met with rejection
Knowing that his desire is beyond my reach, pass the horizon of my capability
He reminds me so much of him
But he is not him
That honesty is missing
The connection is false
And I shutter to think what will happen when that facade is broken
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Peace:Love

The point when fear is long forgotten
That instant when light parts the darkness
When no evil in the world can hold you down
You feel time is moving at just the right pace
No word, circumstance, or person has power over you
This defines peace
In peace you will find love
Love all life has to offer
Love in the presence of others
Love of the one you are meant to share you world with
Love most of all for yourself

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So Much For Happy Endings

Previews run
Credits roll
Silence fills the room

The lights go down
Music blares
Giving opening to the main event

She meets him
He chases her
They fall in love
The plot twist
They lose touch or get into a fight
They make up
HAPPY ENDING

He sees him
But he likes girls
They become friends
He dates/sleeps with a loser
The str8 boi comforts him
Deep conversation insues
Str8 boi confesses he's not str8
HAPPY ENDING
You leave or get up off the couch
Feeling all warm and fuzzy inside
Caught up in the fantasy
Until you wake up the next day
Sun piering into you empty room
Illuminating the void space next to you
Then you realize life is not like the movies
Such much for happy Endings

An Arrow Shot to the Heavens

I want my love's cry to reach the heaven to be redirected to the one meant for me
I call to the universe to guide me to the one who voice will make me glow for all to see

I will forsake all who only choice to dwell in the flesh
The carnal temptation of the world I relinquish

I will walk alone with friends and family by my side
Until the one who awaits me no longer has a place to hide

While I am learning patience, I learn the power of time
Granting me the lessons so I am ready when him I find
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One Sidedness

I lie awake at night waiting, hoping, wondering: When will it be my turn?

Wishing that when I close my eyes and sleep, I will wake with my love next to me
But as dawn peaks through the window, all I feel is vacancy

His presents alludes me, those who have come are the fool's gold to my prospects
Confusion abounds because there are no hard and fast rules to the game

Forplay to my soul with no climax; a burning in my heart with no warmth

I feel most strongly about this because I can not control it

There is no map or pill or manual to this, so I feel lost
I know how to be in love and show my affections. It is just a matter of finding some that will do the same towards me and end this one sidedness
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Declaration of Controlled Impulsion

I write what I feel and put it out in the word with no regrets
So long as I hurt no one, why hold back?

I can and will no longer be bound by false honesty and polite truth
Why bother? So people like me or so I don't have to hear the opinion of others? F U!

I don't wear my heart on my sleeve, it is the whole damn outfit
In this case the clothes do make the man!

I bear my soul to the world on page and cast it out on this "net" hoping to stimulate others to face their truth(s)
But as like some people will push a plate away is everything is not cover in sugar!

When it come to "like" (that is just before love) I "like" hard only to "fall" harder
I am not afraid of a few bumps, bruises, and scrapes because I know eventually someone will be there to catch me

I don't believe in secrets because it is a polite word for lies
I prefer guarded surprises because eventually someone will find out.

In my own life I hide little to nothing because I refuse to close my self off to those I care for
For the few things I do not share immediately, it is only a matter of time before I send out a memo

I impulsively write my feeling to share with the world so that I can be free
All those who know me a person know that I say what I mean and they can that all I know how to be is me

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Surrender Vs. Giving up

There is a difference between surrender and giving up

When you surrender, you acknowledge you have been bested and submit with honor
When you have given up, you roll over with out having put up a fight

When you surrender, there is a release because you have done your best
When you give up, you are imprisoned by doubt and question of what you should have done differently

You surrender you whole heart when it has been conquered by real love
You give up your body to delusions of love and lust

You surrender you soul to a higher power to find strength and peace
You give up hope when you have lost faith and feel trapped

You surrender to the guidance of family and friends when you need support through struggles
You give up and give in to the will of unsavory characters because it is easier to follow than lead your own life

You surrender to the power within you when you reach for your destiny
You give up on yourself when can look in the mirror because you fear what looks back at you

So... Will you stand up and wave the white flag (surrender)
Or
Lay there and do nothing (give up)
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Invite to a late show

Shadows dance performing a ballet of darkness
The candle light illuminates the wall to set the stage
My bed the opera box where I am perched viewing the show
My kitchen a personal concession stand
No ushers no valets my own solitary theatre in the night
A moonlit recital choreographed for my soul

I have an extra seat would you like to join me?
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El Fuego Latino

Universally exotic
As diverse as the fish in the warm Caribbean Sea
Language so sultry
Rolling "R"s and an accent that can burn your soul
A music and sound for every emotion
Dances that glide like the wind moving hips like waves on the beaches

This is the latino spirit
The fire in their blood the fuel them
From every Island, country, village, and neighborhood
It burn bright and strong
As I watch it from the outside, I wait to have its warmth in me
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Transformation of a Sleepless Night

Sleepless nights make you long for another body next to you
As person to be to be a lover, friend, and everything in between
Sleepless nights leave you craving a soul to connect to
That spirit meant to align with yours as impossible as it seems
Sleepless nights leave my heart calling out
For it has been broken and needs to healed
Sleepless nights make my mind racing
Trying to find you, waiting for your identity to be revealed
Sleepless night turn into drowsing mornings turn into cranky days turn into lonely evenings and back into sleepless nights
Hopefully soon the routine will be broken, and those sleepless night will turn into restful nights into peaceful mornings into productive days into lovely evenings and then into a beautiful night with someone I love
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Idealistic Wisdom of a Genius

My wisdom is wasted
For the world is not aware
The taint of politics, religion, hate, and greed stain the lenses which humanity sees life

They worry about the rich paying too much in taxes
While there are so many that are out of work

You praise and worship a god that is about love and hope
But you condemn those who hope to show their love to the world because of your blinded faith

They mask hate behind policy and procedure
But the truth can be seen in their empty conviction

The need for money has made us greedy and blind
We can't see what is important in life and striving for false perfection

Forsaken with idealistic genius that agreed my many
Those close to me that mean the most
If only our worlds were left in our circles maybe just maybe we would have "world peace "
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Unsure

I am writing in a state of confusion
This gestation is making me crazy
If knowledge is power then this has been my kryptonite
Mind imprisoned my question, worry, and fear
A Russian Roulette game is being played
Gun aimed at me but my finger is not the one on the trigger
The time is passing so slowly that it feels like eternity
Immortality doesn't feel like much of a privilege right now
Cobra fanged with venom for which there is no cure
Coiled and lying in wait behind one of two doors
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A Risk on "Sunday"

Though not yet mine
You linger in my dreams
From that place of fantasy
I call out to you
With my soul
I reach for yours

You know not of me
But we have seen each other
Our eyes once met
And briefly I felt at ease
A tranquillity swept over me
Have remembered you from my vision while I slept

When I here Sunday
I get a chill because I know what it means
This is a lot to say about someone I have yet to know
But I will be willing to take a risk just to see where it goes
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Etchings in Stone

Write into my skin my truth so I may be silent yet have to world know me
Carved into to my brow my thoughts so over will see clearly what is on my mind
Tattoo my broken heart onto my hand so when it is offered they understand how much there is there to mend
Carve the names of those before by blood or by status: Barbara, Willimena, Robert Lee, Marlene, Herby, Matthew, Harvey, Malcolm, Martin Luther, and Rosa; into my back as a reminder of those who have lived, fought, and died for me to have what I have
Brand onto my soul the name of the one who is meant for me to share it, so when they come I will know of them
Scroll before my eyes my name my hopes and dreams, for the come before and lover or friend and must be protected at all cost
All of this is etched into the stone that is me, hopefully the world won't erode that which has been written
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Confusion of term

Love is not to be take lightly and requires work
Lust is fun and frivolous and distracts from to task at hand

Love will make you heart race in good times and bad
Lust give you the rush just until....oh my god....yes...yes AHHH, and it's done!

Love will teach you things you never knew or thought you where capable of
Lust puts you in situations and place that you know you shouldn't be in

Love, real true love, transcends distance, sickness, disease, gender, religion, and just about all else in the world as long as it is pure
Lust is so reliant of "equipment" that it only crosses superficial boundary set by choice and desire

Love can turn a cold rainy night into a romantic diner for two
Lust will make event the simplest task like walking down the block turn into reason for a police report

Obviously, very similar concepts, but the kicker is when you find that love that get you deep in your soul it stay forever. Lust, well just wait for someone else to walk by!
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