Suffering from Lost

My desire is unattainable
My fantasy out of reach
My vision clouded
My dream nearly impossible

I see you from across the room
So strong so proud so confident
Your essence is intoxicating
Then I see you grab her hand and caress the child waiting inside her and I know in that moment you are lost to me

You speak and my soul shutters
Your touch breaks down my vicious facade bearing my soul before you
In your presence I feel weak and invincible all at once
When I said I love you I was met with silence
Why I asked why it was as though I had been speaking to stones and in that moment I knew you were lost to me

You drowned me in compliments and adulation
Propping me up upon a pedestal to admire me
You song my praises to the heavens and the starts
I reveal to you my truth and you flinch
You softly reject me out of fear and in that instance I knew you were lost to me

Judge me not for my desire to be loved for it is the kink in the armor that I have forged.
Hopefully one day the lost will end and the one will find me
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Open heart walled in

They say you are not ready for love until you love yourself above all else
But once that happens why does love seem to take its time finding?
You've work to get to a point of oneness with your mind, body, and soul it sets you back when you open up and share yourself, bearing your truth to someone who has not accepted theirs.
It sours you to being that raw ever again because you don't want the hard work you put in to be wasted on the unworthy.
The walls end up back up at full strength until one of two things happen: someone break down those walls or brings you to such a point of where they deserve to be let in and you allow them entry because the earned it.

Seven Sins of My Heart

Lust - your body intoxicated me at first sight

Greed - I want everything that was yours (good & bad)

Envy - I coveted the life of someone beneath me because the had a hold on you that I could not break

Sloth - I was lazy in my action and let this go on longer than it was meant

Gluttony - I gorged on your every word as though it was a sainted feast

Wrath - I got angry at myself because I thought all that was wrong was my fault in some way

Vanity - I was to proud to accept reality

This is my confession and I prayer there is redemption for a sinners heart

Waking moment

my heart is broken
left in pieces for my last love
my soul has been poisoned
and I know that not when it will recover
waking at night with the hope that this is a dream and that he is still here
but my hand remain empty and cold

Translation

mi corazón está roto
izquierda en piezas para mi último amor
mi alma ha sido envenenado
y sé que no cuando se recuperará
despertarse por la noche con la esperanza de que esto es un sueño y que él está aún aquí
pero mi mano permanecen vacías y frías

On deaf ears

As I lay in the darkness of the night my mind wonders what if?
A question I asked before during and after us
The answer was never found because of your ignorance fear indifference confusion or some combination of them all
You were given the reigns to a force few are offer and even fewer can tame yet you dismissed it without even explaining why
An apology is a cowards reasoning for running away from the truth that may be hard or painfully
When offered what you said you wanted you shuttered when you saw the concept come to fruition and realize real life requires work
As hard as I try to forgive and forget I can't because out of all the tragedies let in the space of my heart you shatter more than the metaphor but also the spirit that it held
I truly said I love you and meant it from a place I had never felt before beyond the body that I desired the eyes that melted the frozen armor that I wear the touch that still my even motion and the voice that soothed my fear
I spoke words to you the came from depth deep the the most ancient seas it is truly a pity though that they fell on deaf ears

Ensnared

I am still chained and shackled to the being of a love the was meant to be, never realize, and now lost to the seas of life. I learned patience, humility, honesty, and compassion but were those lessons worth the feelings of lose and being taken advantage of. I spoke those cursed words and meant them as I never have before, and it was an enchantment that cause confusion and pain. When thing got to deep and lost in chaos I cut the loses I had acquired, then wrote them off as a bad investment of my heart. This has left me with a losing battle in my heart and soul is the field of battle. I still have live for him in the depths of my heart that can't let go, but they are weighs that keep me from moving forward towards the person I was meant to be with. I am ensnared in vines that I don't know how to escape.

The Purge

Today I am going to cut out part of my heart
For it is poisoned by a hope unrealized

I am going to void a portion of my soul
For the transaction I invested in was rejected by fate

I am evicting a memory that block my vision
For the obstruction has blinded me long enough

I relinquish the power I gave to the unworthy
For he could not bear the burden of being loved

I forgive his ignorance for he lacks fortitude of the soul
But I will never forget his indifference to the pain he caused me

With these words I purge you from my life
Sweet tainted lord of illusion be free to dwell in your world without me
As you go on I pray you will find the same peace that I seek out by letting you go